Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Who Would Win in a Fight: Raymond Tango versus Gabriel Cash?

As the final installment in our "Kurt Russell Kicks Ass" extravaganza, we revive an old tradition here at Action Direct, where Keanu and I pit two action personalities against each other and discuss who would win in a fight. Today, we're going to throw Ray Tango (Sly Stallone) and Gabriel Cash (Kurt Russell), of Tango and Cash fame, into a concrete pit with nothing but their wits and see who comes out victorious.

For those of you who don't know Tango and Cash (and therefore, did not instantaneously pee your pants at this hypothetical matchup), let me bring you up to speed. Ray Tango and Gabe Cash are the Los Angeles area's top cops. Tango usually takes care of things up in a suit and tie, whereas Cash generally wears jeans and a mullet. Oh yeah, and the two don't get along. Unfortunately, their success pisses off local crime boss, Yves Perrett (Jack Palance), who promptly has them framed and imprisoned. The two put aside their differences to escape from jail and clear their respective names.

All right, so who would win in a fight?

Damn, this is a tough one. On the one hand, Cash plays dirty. I wouldn't put it past him to sneak a laser mounted shank into the pit. On the other hand, Tango took on a semi truck with nothing but a .38 snubnose... and won. Both are limber and both would bet on themselves in this match, which does say something. But, I'm going to have to give this one to Cash.

This is the guy who took a bullet for Tango, and then proceeded to kick the shit out of Brion James, eventually finishing the job by sticking a grenade down his pants. He also took not one, but two bullets in the chest (thank goodness for kevlar), and then jumped out of a second story window to catch the guy who did it (and he did catch him). This guy is tough. I know that Tango is also a bad mo'fo', but he doesn't have the same brassy balls that Cash has. Granted, Cash lacks the sophistication, and potentially, the creativity of Tango. And I guess that's what made them a good team. But I don't think that sophistication wins against edginess in a one-on-one death match.

Now, we know that Tango can take a beating (because it's Stallone and he always takes a beating). So this thing is going to be long and bloody, although it's not likely to be fancy. Cash is simply going to be the last one standing after a merciless fist fight, probably nursing broken knuckles and potentially a dislocated disc. I think that there might be some pretty good banter before the first punch is thrown as well. Something along the lines of,

"We always knew it would come to this, didn't we Tango?"

"Yeah, Cash. I guess we did."

"Just so you know, after you're dead, I'll take good care of your sister."

"Never gonna happen, Cash. You see-"

SMACK! Tango hits Cash with a sucker punch to the jaw, and it's on. Rest assured, the walls and each man's respective wifebeater tee will be bloody after this one. But seriously, just watch Cash take those bullets below. Case and point.

Alright, let's just get one thing straight right here and now: This is one tough motherfuckin' match up. It's one of those decisions that you hope you'll never be asked to make because of the sheer amount of manliness it would require even to blog about either of these guys losing in a fight. Thank god this question fell into the right hands- had it ended up anywhere but here at Action Direct, we would probably be facing such catastrophic forces that this global economic crisis would look like a case of mild diarrhea (which, I'll admit, still sucks).  That being said, here's my 2 cents:

This particular brand of 'Mano a Mano' has been seen throughout history. It's the cold, calculating mastermind vs. the wild, throw caution to the wind rogue. It's Indigo Montoya vs. The Man in Black, it's Iceman vs. Maverick, it's Agent Smith vs. Neo. While both Tango and Cash blur the line a little between these two archetypes,  I think we can all agree that Tango is the straight man while Cash plays the rogue. Now if history has taught us anything, it's that if you play your hand too close to the chest, you'll inevitably lose. You've gotta be able to improvise, no matter how well you know the playbook, so I'd say that the chips are stacked (albeit lightly) against Tango. Cash has got that certain type of bravado that says "I don't really give a shit if I live or die, as long as I kick your ass", and in a pit fight, that goes a long way. Any who require further proof of this attitude may direct their questions towards Kurt Russell's mullet. 

However, Tango's method of badassery is usually cleaner and more efficient than Cash's, which he delivers fast and hard. For example, a quick bashing of a head against prison bars may be the reward for mouthing off to Tango, which was a lesson learned all too well by "Captain Dynoball" (an inmate previously sent to jail by Tango but at one point locked up in the same prison). If Cash were to get a little too wild with his punches, I have no doubt that Tango could quickly pull a Last Boy Scout and ram Cash's nose into the back of his skull. 

All things considered, I'm gonna have to agree with Casey. Cash has got quite a few tricks up his sleeve and he has probably gotten dirty a few more times than Tango's calm and collect style has allowed for. My guess is that the battle would last for at least 20-30 minutes before Cash gets a little crazy in his eye and decides to aim all his aggression at one of Tango's ankles. Tango will lie propped up in the corner of the pit cursing Cash's name and yelling "C'mon pussy, finish it!", but of course Cash's respect for Tango will never allow him to do so and we all go home with a slightly longer penis after watching such a battle.



James Miller said...

Great writing. Left me in tears.

Sean Ferrell said...

did you guy see that aronofsky is doing robocop in 2010? shit in a basket.

Keanu Banderas said...

I did see that Sean. It would be sweet (although a little gimicky) if they made Peter Weller the villain. He was freakin awesome in the original.

I read the Frank Miller graphic novel a few years ago to see how the film added up and I must say that it's very similar to the movie- a shitstorm of bullets and some awesome battle damage on Robocop. If they stick to that and maintain the gritty Detroit backdrop I think we are in for a real treat.

Casey said...

I heard. I also heard rumors that it might be in 3D
...? Kick ass?